i tell myself pretty consistently that i need to be better. a better worker. a better blogger. a better guitar player. a better wife. a better relief society president. a better team member. a better friend. a better member of the church. a better listener. a better exerciser.
i think about what it would take to get my waking hours to 100% productivity-- how i could possibly squeeze and push myself to be better. in theory it is an intriguing thought, but in reality it is almost impossible.
i feel guilty when i sit down to watch a favorite tv show. i feel guilty when i take time for myself to read a book. i feel guilty when i take time to create pages in my art journal. the feelings of inadequacy creep into hobbies and pleasures that i used to enjoy. my internal dialoge goes something like this, "if you would have spent those 25 minutes playing your guitar instead of watching park & rec you would be so much better by now." or it can also go like this, "stop working on this dumb project of yours and spend time checking things off of your REAL list. people are depending on you"
there are so many things happening and i feel like i am failing at every single one. my apartment is a mess. my planner is a mess. my bank account is a mess. i'm a mess.
so i guess now comes the part where i figure out how i am going to fix it. something needs to go, but what?
i remember naively thinking that when college was over i could finally relax. get a real world job, work 9-5 and then spend the evenings pursuing my passions.
i guess i am just feeling overwhelmed by life and that's ok. we are here to learn and grow and purse ourselves. it isn't stretching unless it uncomfortable. so today i am going to find solace in the fact that it is sunny, i get to go to the temple later with my husband, and this quote:
"we must be our own before we can be another's."
-ralph waldo emerson