words of wisdom from my professor {part 2}

I've broken three of my kids' arms on trampolines. On different days.

I'm the parent who throws the kids up into the ceiling fan.

My parents gave us burbon and honey when we were sick. We thought we were feeling better, but we were drunk! In second grade!

Do you need to get up or anything? Stretch your toes?

I thought on Sunday you wake up at seven, read scriptures, visit the sick and weary, translate ancient records...

Mom, we just blew up the school. And she's like, 'It's okay, just put the ashes in this baggie.'

Have any of your moms ever gotten a vacuum for Christmas? I learned not to do that one the hard way.

The girls get babies for Christmas, and your son gets a spear.

You could get a water bed the size of this room for about 90 bucks. We got two.

Pinterest. Oh, gosh. Should never have bought my wife an iPhone.

You know what guys will do if you validate them? They'll run through that wall!

words of wisdom from my professors

Know much about Shetland ponies? It's about like riding a cat.

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My parents aren't members. Still aren't members. Probably should be in jail.

When my wife got pregnant with twins, I realized I needed a new job and a new car.

My girls needed to date a guy who could flip a bull over. Or slap a bear and run.

My dad was really mean. But he was fair because he was mean to everyone.

Usually my versions of stories make me the star.

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You date someone until you know it's going to go up or down, and if it's going down, stop, drop, and roll. While the car is moving.