This last week was really big for me. I had the opportunity to perform and create. I presented to HR reps from a big company. I was stressed out of my mind (really... I haven't slept or done my Danish HW in weeks). And at the end of it I didn't win.
It was a student competition and initially I thought that would be a really big deal to lose. That I would beat myself up about it wondering what I could have done differently. Mourning all the hours I had spent on a fruitless project, but at the end something totally different happened.
Yes I was disappointed not to win, but I was proud of myself for participating in something that wasn't required by a class. For investing in something extra curricular. For putting myself out there.
Normally if I know I am not going to succeed I just don't even try. Which I have now learned is the saddest way to live life. I had an irrational fear of failure.
When I finally collapsed on to the couch late Friday night my sweet husband told me how proud he was of me. Then my mom called and told me how proud she was of me. And then my husband rubbed my back while we watched a million episodes of How I Met Your Mother.
I failed and It was perfect.
i share this irrational fear...and i think the problem lies in the fact that i (falsely) tend to believe that "failing" means i am a failure...or that a bad choice makes me a bad person, etc. Really, one little choice or mistake or setback shouldn't have such an impact on our self worth. I always have to remind myself that "I am not a checklist!" I am not a list of rights and wrongs that will hopefully equal a good ratio in the end. Thanks for making me think about it :)
ReplyDeleteI love that saying... I am not a checklist. I find that so often as woman we jut feel like we have to do everything and please everyone! When in reality.... it's perfectly okay if we don't.
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